Micheal Moore is a real hot potato in American and European Politics. He's the man that gives a voice, not to mention a cherubic, smiling face, to the good side of the American soul. His bucolic, emotional films have earned a special place in the National Conscience, casting that warm light upon family values which makes one feel good about being an American. He fills that void left by such "Golden Years" greats as Norman Rockwell, and Frank Capra.

So it baffles me when I read accounts like this one:

Moore, who attended this week's Republican National Convention as a columnist for USA Today, was greeted by delegates who derided him as a "fat pig." Perhaps they read the book by David Hardy and Jason Clarke, "Michael Moore is a Big Fat Stupid White Man." Or they came across the suggested slogan for the Web site moorewatch.com "Michael Moore: Putting the vast in vast left-wing conspiracy." ...

The reporter describes the allusions to Moore's husky figure as "...the last acceptable slur in the American arsenal of insults", but I'm sorry: I'm a proud American, and I do not consider this insult acceptable in the least.

I understand how it is when mean-spirited thugs make fun of your body. I understand what Mr. Moore is going through. I, too, have been on the receiving end of personal insults. When I was a teenager, unsure of myself, my body, my own self-worth, the other children would gather in circles and ridicule my enormous, perfectly-shaped penis.

Astonished, giggling 18-year-old girls can be cruel, and creative. Rube McKneehanger they'd call me; Hung-Lo-Rube's Drive-in Noodle Bar; Sir Packs-a-lot; you name it. But through it all, I remained firm, and stood proudly. I salute you Michael Moore, for overcoming such small-minded hatred. I commend you, for sticking it out; as did I all those years ago, oh so many, many times; it takes a tough man to stick to his guns, and endure the insults and derision for almost an entire half a night, while getting paid for an entire week.

Go eat a donut, you whiny-ass tub of goo.

Update: Did I read that correctly? There's a National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance? What the fuck? Google....

One more stereotype that really has me befuddled is coffee. For some reason, everybody thinks Europeans drink a) a lot of coffee, and b) really strong coffee. Let me blow this one out of the water right now. I drink a lot of coffee. Everybody I know in the States drinks a lot of coffee. Europeans? 1 cup. That's it, 1 little cup. In Italy, they only drink one cup, and it's about the size of a shot glass. No refills. No "You wamme to warm that up for ya, Sugar?" Waffle House perks. In Germany, they have some kind of obsession about drinking coffee out of those cappuccino machines. That stuff tastes like thinned-out axle grease, albeit with a hint of nuttiness. Filter coffee is much better. It's smooth, strong-bodied, and actually smells good.

A German boss of mine stopped me in the office cafeteria once, and asked me what I thought of the new cappuccino-style coffee machine he'd just had installed. I told him I hadn't used it, that in the IT department we had our own dripper that we used. He sniffed, then said, "Oh yes, I forgot, you're American. You have no taste." Then walked on. I was miffed for a second. Then realized he was wearing a bright-orange jumpsuit, sandals, yellow sunglasses and, I swear to God, a pith helmet. I figured I'd let it go.

My only co-worker in IT was a Saxon. According to him, Saxons also can't stand the cruddy java that other Germans drink, preferring the manly filter-coffee. Maybe it's because, being East Germans, they appreciate the good things in life that pampered, effete West Germans long taken for granted. Anyway, once the automat was installed in the cafeteria, we absconded with the old dripper, and would have defended it with our lives. I hid it behind the mail server; it was hooked up to the battery backup system, lest the power fail.

Everybody's got something to say about all the other folks in the world. Sometimes it's openly envious. For example, everybody seems to think that the people in other parts of the country tend to be more open and friendly, but maybe a bit shallow. And that's in any country. I've heard it in Germany, New Zealand, England, America, you name it. Bavarians always say that Bavarians are hard to get to know, but once you get to know them, they'll open up to you once and for all; unlike those superficial Rhinelanders. Rhinelanders say the exact same thing, but tend to throw in a bunch of insults about Bavarians being rednecks.

One place there's near-total agreement, however, is on the subject of geography. For some reason, everybody, including Americans, think that the rest of the world spends all their time studying political maps in dog-eared old atlases, committing world capitols and currencies to memory for some mysterious, global Jeopardy match we never get invited to. There's an accepted common knowledge that Americans have no idea where anything is, and are ignorant, arrogant boors.

What utter bullshit. I've lived in Europe for over 5 years now, and in thousands of conversations involving the States, there has never been a single occurence of a European knowing where Atlanta is. They all know Atlanta's in Georgia, somehow, probably from flying through Hartsfield, but not a single one of them has a clue as to where Georgia is. Usually, they think it's on the West Coast. That's America, right? Palm trees and bikini girls? Once they find out it's in the Southeast, they figure it's on the same latitude as, say, Munich. Or maybe Athens? Try Casablanca. Germany doesn't share any latitudes with the United States; except maybe Alaska. I guess

Europeans have absolutely no concept of geography. They plan 1-week road trips in the States, starting in New York, ending in San Francisco. They visit Chicago, and plan on hopping over to Dallas for a day-trip. The U.S., in their minds, seems about as big as Disney World, with a tram between all the major attractions. Of course, when I was 10 I went to Epcot Center and thought I'd just walked through Europe in about a day. But that's different; Epcot actually looks a little bit like Europe, minus the dogshit on the sidewalks.

As Ace succinctly put it:

Was I on crack, or did Zell Miller challenge Chris Matthews to a duel tonight?

Come to think of it, portly Chris Matthews does look a tad like Ned Beatty:

Just goes to show you, don't pick nits with a cracker: Georgia Senator Zell Miller tore Matthews, obnoxious talk-show yapper, the new rectum which he had for so long desperately needed. Nothing irritates an ankle-biting yankee more than a Southern Gentleman who calls his bluff. Although he might have gone a little too far when he suggested settling it with pistols.

Incidentally, it would be the first trans-Mason-Dixon duel in American politics since Vice President Alexander Hamilton was gunned down by Mississippi-born television actor Raymond Burr in the early 19th century, over a woman.

Update

For my German friends and other commies, a little more context: The Republican (conservative) National Convention is going on right now. Zell Miller is a Senator from Georgia. Southern Democrats tend to be more conservative than their cough esteemed colleagues from the Northeast, who've turned their party into the Michael Moore Fan Club. Sen. Miller is an old-school Democrat, which he emphasized last night by quoting the likes of Franklin Roosevelt, and noting the deeds of Roosevelt's successor Harry S. Truman, the last 2 Democratic Presidents who actually accomplished anything. Well, Kennedy did Real Good with the Cuban Missile Crisis. But then there was that Bay of Pigs thing. And, to echo the sentiments of my old boss Ken, I'll never forgive that buck-toothed carpetbagger for dragging us into Viet Nam to clean up France's turdpile. Dickhead.

So anyway, Miller was the Keynote speaker at the convention last night, and gave a humdinger of a speech. Next to his, the speeches of other Democrats seem vague, weak, and despairing. I figure most Dems consider Zell a DINO, but they might want to ask themselves why that is.

It would be nice to have a second party in the US again; maybe some Donks will drop the Blame-America-First hairshirts and Bush==Hitler signs, and get back to being true progressives. Right now, we've just got suits and lunatics to choose from.

The followers of Allah are Terrorists. All of them.

In the 70's, there was a standard disclaimer that ran on television stations, that went something like: "We do not discriminate on the basis of race, creed, or national origin". Which of these things is not like the other? Race and national origin are things that cannot be helped: your parents are who they are, and you're born where you were. But creed? Is that some kind of reference to Jews? Is judaism a 'creed'? Or do they mean Southern Baptists? Or Catholics?

According to Wikipedia,

A creed is a statement of belief -- usually religious belief -- or faith.The word derives from the Latin credo for 'I believe'.

So when did it become illegal to discriminate against people for what they think? Klansmen and Black Panthers are ideological ne'er-do-wells that are discriminated against, and rightly so. Is that illegal? Of course not. It's worthless pork-language tacked onto an otherwise acceptable policy. You should definitely be able to deny services to people whose beliefs are offensive to you. Would a black architecture firm be sued because they wouldn't bid on a contract for a new KKK headquarters? Wouldn't that be a violation of the "race, creed, color" code? It would.

'Creed' should be stricken from the taboo list. 'Creed' is a choice. You decide if you want to believe something. You have that choice. Otherwise, you are not human, and are therefore legally edible. Islam is a creed; it's a cult, not a belief. You are all terrorists, and should be treated thusly. It should be legal to eat muslims.

In the last week, there were 2 bus-bombings in Israel, which involved the murders of numerous women and children; there were 2 plane bombings in Russia, there is so much shit in Iraq that I can't even count it here, and, to top it all off, now Muslims have kidnapped 200 children in Russia, and are threatening to kill them unless some jews are killed or something or other.

There is a boil on the ass of the world, and his name is Mohammed. When will you moon-worshipping philistines wake up? When will the christian-hating liberals of the western world smell the coffee? In every country in the world, there is a violent struggle between the modernists and the Muslims. Islam is hell on earth. Sickening...