Acidman, of Gut Rumbles, ruminates a bit on English words that sound dirty, but ain't.  A lot of that comes from the fact that English is a bastard language.  It's a language with many possible fathers, none of which will claim it as their own.  Its closest linguistic relative, Dutch, is completely unrecognizable as such.  Dutch more resembles a sort of cartoon German than English.  Therefore, words with sexual meanings often sound similar to words that have nothing to do with sex that came into English along different routes.

German, on the other hand, is a much purer language than English.  Germans, historically, have done the conquering, and thereby have spread their language's elements among other European cultures, instead of the other way around.  Nevertheless, German has many words that are completely innocuous, yet sound "dirty" to English speakers.  Here are common examples, with the English translations of what they actually mean:

Ausfahrt - Exit
Nebenhöhlen - Sinus Cavities
Analverkehr - Traffic Jam
Gummifetischist - Librarian
Pudelficker - Lion Tamer
Fick mich hart, du dreckiges Stück Scheisse! - Beer glass

 As you can see, even the most innocent expressions can sometimes bring on an immature giggle.

Oh, my holy god. (NSFW)

Checking out your referrer logs can lead to some interesting discoveries, and I don't just  mean pictures of tits.  This should've been its own "onanotechnology update".  That link there comes courtesy of the excellent Thundernoses blog, who have some explaining to do WRT that name; but whom I've put in the A-List, despite that funny feeling that there's something communist about them.

I'm not really much of a tit-man, truth be told.  Tits be cool and all, but really, I'm a leg man.  Or a nape man.  For example:

 
Schuuuuu- WING!  That's some grade-A nape-porn right there, buddy.  Nobody gave hackles like Audrey.

In case anyone's been wondering, the domain-name means "Tits out: it's summer!" But that was probably easy enough to reason out.

ONANOTECHNOLOGY UPDATE (NSFW):  Long-suffering cameltoe fans will be happy to hear about the release this week of Smash Pictures' newest edition of "Cameltoe Perversions", starring Fleshbot faves Jezebelle Bond and Lauren Phoenix in an "awesome display of fashion and wild sex".

Unbelievably, I spent a bit of time this afternoon explaining to a nice young German girl the term "Camel-toe" (Kamelenfuss, in German), and now there's a whole DVD coming out about them.  Spooky.

At a recent blogger meetup here in Augsburg, I...well, blog meetup is a rather grandiose name for a date.  Well, it wasn't exactly a date either.  I mean, for all I know, Augie isn't even really a person.  Rube certainly isn't a person.  He's more of a personality disorder.  Hi, my name's Eric.  Rube is also my name, but Eric's more my name than Rube is.  At least more often.  More people call me Rube than Eric, but important people, my Mom for instance, calls me Eric.  Glad we could get that straight.

Anyways, there was this blog meetup, or date, or whatever.  Did you know that some unlikely words differentiate American English from British English, other than the obvious things like "lift" instead of "elevator", or names like "Ian" (my nephew's name is Ian, so shove it)?  Americans are supposed to say, "Anyway" at the beginning of a sentence, whereas Britons say "Anyways".  Likewise, Americans are expected to say "Backward", whereas Teabags say "Backwards".  I'm pretty sure my family says "Backwards", but since I've been tooling around the communist outland now for about 7 years, I can't even remember what my family looks like, much less what kind of backwoods-waterhead colloquialisms they let fall out of their toothless, moonshine-chuggin' pieholes.

Ok, let's see, where was I? Oh, yes, the 461st Diurnal Augsburg Blogfest. I used to live next to these two brothers, who were perhaps the most gifted natural entertainers I've ever met.  Some people just have a way of amusing people; they're the kind of people who just can't stand it when there's no conversation going on, and take matters into their own hands, either by jumping in the middle of the room and putting a lampshade on their heads, or starting a conversation with one person that ends up as a lunatic monologue that everybody gathers round to watch.

But this is really going nowhere.  One time, ages ago, I dropped acid and couldn't stop playing in the summer rain.  It was fucking fascinating.

Ok, I'm filling out my absentee ballot here, so I figured I'd let you guys in on how the vote's going to look this year. Well, actually that's only accurate if you live in Cherokee County, Georgia.  Ok, on to the votes:

Cherokee County, GA Official Ballot

	For President of the United States
X	George Bush/Dick Cheny	Republican
	John F. Kerry/John Edwards	Democrat
	Michael Badnarik/Richard V. Campagna	Libertarian
	For U.S. Senate
X	Johnny Isakson	Republican
	Denise L. Majette	Democrat
	Allen Buckley	Libertarian
	For Public Service Commissioner (to succeed Robert B. "Bobby" Baker, Jr.)
X	Robert B. "Bobby" Baker, Jr.Robert B. "Bobby" Baker, Jr.	Republican
	Mac Barber	Democrat
	Jalynn Hudnall	Libertarian
	For U.S. Representative in 109th Congress from the 7th Congressional District of Georgia
X	John Linder	Republican
	For State Senator from 21st District
X	Chip Rogers	Republican
	For State Representative in the General Assembly from 20th District
X	Charlice Byrd	Republican
	For District Attorney of the Blue Ridge Judicial Circuit
X	Garry T. Moss	Republican
	For Judge of the Probate Court
X	Kipling "Kip" L. McVay	Republican
	For Clerk of Superior Court
X	Patricia "Patty" Baker	Republican
	For Sheriff
X	Roger D. Garrison	Republican
	For Tax Commissioner
X	David Fields	Republican

Hmm...Amazingly enough, after the office of Public Service Commissioner, on the entire ballot there's not one single Democrat.  That means that of 18 offices, only 3 are being compete for by Democrats.  Cherokee County has gotten pretty conservative over the years.

But what's that on the 2nd page?  A list of referenda on constitutional amendments. 

1. To define marriage as the union of a man and a woman?
   Shall the Constitution be amended so as to provide that this state shall recognize as marriage only the union of man and womain?
   I vote yes.  That should piss off a few dandies in Atlanta.  What the hell, I don't live there.
2. To provide the Supreme Court jurisdiction to answer questions of law from federal courts. (House Resolution No. 68)
   I don't understand.  I won't vote for it.  No.

1. A Referendum to Authorize Cherokee County to Issue Licenses to Sell Distilled Spirits by the Drink
   Shall the governing authority of Cherokee County be authorized to issue licenses to sell distilled spirits for beverage purposes by the drink, such sales to be for consumption on the premises?
   WTF?  Cherokee's got no liquor in the bars?  Don't tell that to the dudes down at Taco Mac who poor a nice, long Jack.
2. A Referendum to Permit and Regulate Sunday Sales of Distilled Spirits or Alcoholic Beverages by the Drink on Sundays in Cherokee County
   Shall the governing authority of Cherokee County be authorized to permit and regulate Sunday sales of distilled spirits or alcoholic beverages for beverage purposes by the drink?
   
3. Blah One Percent Sales Tax Blah
   Too long to read, and it's about raising taxes.  No.
4. A Referendum to Authorize Cherokee County to Excercise Redevelopment Powers
   I don't understand this one either.  No.

Where's Rube? Rube's been working on a project for the last 4 weeks. It's finally coming to an end in the next day or two, and is that final phase I like to call the "They bought it, they can break it period". It's that period after you deliver a good product to a customer, a product of which you're proud, and they come back with the alterations they've cooked togehter in some sort of internal focus group. Usually, this consists of ideas that were thrown out early in the process, and now come back. In the area of programming, this invariably consists of re-introducing behaviors you've spent long hours removing as bugs. In design, it usually consists of putting ugly things in which destroy the overall harmony of appearance.

Well, that, and freezing my balls off.  Getting your heat cut off in Germany in October is no way to live.  The words "witch's titty" come to mind. 

Saudi Arabians are one of my largest reader demographics, owing to their incessant Googling of anti-Islamic screeds. Why don't you guys just fuck off, then?

The myth goes that the world hates America above all other lands. That's nice and all, but it's just because they expect perfection from us. When the US screws up, it's news. When you assholes do it, it's dog-bites-man-then-maybe-licks-himself-a-bit, before-going-around-in-a-circle-three-times then-taking-a-nap. Do you have any idea what a slow newsday it would have to be before the New York Times ran a headline that said, "Experts say Saudi Arabia full of Jew-Hatin', Uneducated, Fundamentalist, Maid-Torturin', Flat-Earth Believin', Wife-Beatin' Waterheads"? A pretty slow one, I can tell you that. We actually have a nick-name for "Jew-Hatin', Uneducated, Fundamentalist, Maid-Torturin', Flat-Earth Believin', Wife-Beatin' Waterheads", it's called "The Arab Street".

You guys are a boil on the ass of the world, and I hate each and every one of you backwards ass-licks. If it wasn't for oil, you'd all be lined-up behind UNICEF trucks right now, beating each other up over bags of rice, and sucking the cocks of minor UN bureaucrats in filthy alleyways for an extra pack of smokes with "A Gift from the People of Israel" written right next to the Surgeon General's warning.

Think about it: You're one ANWR-drilling away from total irrelevance, and abject poverty. Maybe it's time to learn a new skill, you worthless sacks of beer-shit.

UPDATE: 2nd link updated. Please click "boil on the ass of the world" to read what actually precipitated this entry...

While everyone's linking to Teutonic Titties, might I offer a reality check?

What your wallets, boys, when they start flappin' the funbags!

kevn say:

I said hey, landlord, I can't pay my rent Well, they stole my car back yesterday, and Remco wants me dead. Well, I'm 35 months behind, my landlord wants me out. I said I am so comfortable here, then he punched me in the mouth. I said please turn on my water, please turn on my heat. I said the check is in the mail, man I can't even eat! I said hey landlord, i can't pay my rent Superman won't steal for me, and I don't know Clark Kent. I said hey, landlord, I can't pay my rent I don't believe in money, and I gave up milk for Lent. I've been eating meatloaf and fishsticks for 13 years now. See I'm working on a new book about a man who lives in a trailerpark, across from a K-Mart. The richest man in the world. It's kind of an O Henry kind of thing.

So, I saw this doohickey over at Cold Fury, and decided to check it out. What I thought would be an interesting excercise in spatial modelling turned into a one-way ticket into the Total Perspective Vortex:

I'll just kill myself now.

I realize that I may have offended liberal visitors with my previous post about them trying to keep old people from voting. As a peace offering, may I present:

The Hallibushitler MT Plugin

(based not-so-loosely on the cheeky CanWest Filter)

Just unzip it, put it into your MT Plugins folder, then choose "Hallibushitler" as the "Text Formatting" option.

It'll turn this:

President Bush has a big lead on candidate characteristics, including a 10-percentage point lead over Kerry on which candidate voters think is a "more likeable person." In addition, by 46 percent to 40 percent, voters trust Bush to "provide the country with moral leadership," and by 46 percent to 37 percent the president is viewed as "more likely to keep his word." The candidates are evenly matched on which "has a better vision for the future of the country."

Into this:

President Select Swagger McHallibushitler has a big lead on candidate characteristics, including a 10-percentage point lead over Kerry on which candidate voters think is a "more likeable person." In addition, by 46 percent to 40 percent, voters trust Cheney's Lapdog to "provide the country with moral leadership," and by 46 percent to 37 percent the President Select is viewed as "more likely to keep his word." The candidates are evenly matched on which "has a better vision for the future of the country."

Then again, it might just be easier to read the New York Times, which pretty much does the same thing.

Have fun!

German news outlets are getting the vapors over recent gains by far-right political parties. According to an International Watchdog Association, ultra-nationalist organizations like the NPD and DVU are emerging as the low-carb alternatives to the bloated socialist menu that has dominated the political here since The War.

After a long night of beers a couple of weeks ago, I touched base with a Real Live East German. Our discussion of possible solutions to the emerging Nazi problem led us to an interesting idea: the German Rationalist Party, or VPD. Although purely hypothetical at this point, a good libertarian party would run gangbusters in Europe, I suspect.

The real cause of the rise of the right, in my opinion, is the lack of alternatives to the left. There is no truly conservative party in German politics. Of the two main parties, the Social Democrats-Greens alliance (Fischer's & Schroeder's party) and Christian Democrats (Stoiber's Party), neither focuses on individual freedoms or small government. They're both statist parties with only slightly differing viewpoints on how the government should run everybody's lives.

The right, on the other hand, doesn't really seem to be interested in government work per se; just on hot-button social problems, like immigration, reparations to Israel, cultural protectionism and the like.

What Europe in general, and Germany in particular, needs is something to fill the vacuum created by the hard-left turn their politicians have taken. So, the answer to right-wing extremists in Germany could very well be a move toward the center by the left. The people need an alternative to the Socialists that doesn't involve shaving their heads, and right now, there isn't one.

How am I doing so far? Let's see.

1. I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not have strange gods before me.

Define "strange". On the whole, I'd go with this one. 1!

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzt. Ok, movin' on...

3. Remember thou keep the Sabbath Day.

I think that should actually be "thou keepest". Or is imperative conjugated differently? I'm not sure. As for the substance of the commandment, all the stores and businesses are closed in Europe on Sunday, so I'll take that as a yes. 2!

4. Honor thy Father and thy Mother.

Though we've had our differences, I do honor mom and dad, as far as that goes. 3!

5. Thou shalt not kill.

This is soo easy! 4!

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Hmmm. I'm not married. Does that count? 5!

7. Thou shalt not steal.

Well, I stole lunch today. Bzzzzzzt.

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

Nope, don't lie about people. 6!

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife.

Considering my neighbors, this is a slam-dunk. 7!

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods.

I'm not much of a materialist, not that there's anything wrong with being a materialist. Still, it would be nice if my heater worked like the guy's upstairs...doh! Bzzzzzzzt!

Well, 7 out of 10. That's not half bad for not even trying.

How's your race against Hell going?

This is how it starts people!

Normally, I don't sully myself with liberal blogs, even though I happen to have a few in the "Sturm" section. Well, most don't admit they're liberal. Like Goldstein. Oh sure, he acts all conservative, but I mean come on people! A conservative Colorado Jew?! Puh-leeze.

But every now and then you have to hold your nose and wade in. Sure, I've commented a couple of times on Yglesias' blog, but that doesn't exactly make me a flamin' Democrat. It's not like all of a sudden I'm a vegetarian, garbage-sortin', public-transportation takin' hippie or anything.

And it's a good thing. Because now the liberals want to disfranchise old people. Oh, sure, it's ok when you guys wheel them to the polls and vote for them, but when we do it it's suddenly unethical or some'n.

I say Roll-em Up and Slap a Bush/Cheney sticker on their foreheads!

At 3:35 in the morning, on Tuesday, September 21, 2004, the lid of Winter's coffin closed on Bavaria. I know, I watched it happen. The night sky was clear and full of stars, then a meteor went past the window. Shortly thereafter, the clouds came from nowhere and left nary a star to see.

Winter in Germany doesn't play around. There are no shorts-n-sweaters days; the biergarten chairs have already been taken downstairs, the skis are getting waxed, and the sun comes up later every day. Pretty soon, it'll be dark until 9:00 in the morning, and sunset at 4:00 in the afternoon. Six long, grey months of wondering why the hell only half the radiators are warm lay ahead.

All of this is offset by the beginning of spring, sometime in late April or early May (usually, anyway). Here, Spring returns like a conquering hero to parades and maytree festivals. In high summer, it's light outside until 11:30 at night.

I wasn't going to blog today, being against-the-wall with work, and hell-bent on finally sweeping my apartment. An I most certainly was not going to talk like a pirate.

But Jeff Jarvis touched on the one topic that just shivers....me....timbers.

In short, I'll channel John Galt: Buy your own goddamn health insurance and get out of my way!

Let me explain a few things about my social philosophy. Everything you must do is as much oppression as everything you can't do. Every cent you earn that is taken away from you without choice or compensation, is slavery. Every cent you take from someone without their consent, is theft.

Oppression, slavery, theft. These are not words that anybody associates with the United States of America (well some people, maybe), but it's exactly the direction America is headed in. Socialized Health Care is exactly the kind of "slippery slope" into slavery that collectivists use to seduce the masses.

Socialized Health Care is not a "Get-out-of-Death-Free" card. It's mandatory health insurance. It offers nothing that's not already cheaply and widely available to all Americans. The only difference will be that you do not have a choice. The government enjoys controlling people's lives, and they'd like nothing better than to put a gun to your head and say, "You will pay for health insurance, or go to jail". And it will be more expensive owing to bureaucratic overhead, and the inevitable abuse of it by welfare bloodsuckers.

The burden of health care will fall upon productive citizens, to the benefit of the non-productive. In Europe, the aging population and monstrous overhead of entrenched bureaucracy conspire to rob taxpayers of an enormous amount of income. The average tax burden in Germany is close to 70%; and that's not including the enormous taxes included in things like heating costs, and gasoline, which are 3 to 4 times more expensive than in the United States. "Free" health insurance in Germany costs 10-12% of monthly income. If you earn $24,000 per year, expect to pay at least $200 per month just for yourself; i.e., forget about dependents: they cost extra.

Of course, if you don't work, you don't have to pay for your health insurance. That, of course, makes it much more attractive to be unemployed. You can go for years without working, and it involves much less paperwork than either being employed or having employees. A generous unemployment incentive, and a downright scandalous income penalty, discourage financial independence and doom small enterprises to certain failure.

Mandatory, government-enforced health insurance is just another way to generate guilty citizens. Ayn Rand said, "laws were made to be broken, because you cannot control an innocent man." It enrages me to see intelligent men like Mr. Jarvis telling people that the elimination of free will in any matter is beneficial.

That's my premise, now let's look at Mr. Jarvis' points one by one.

All citizens must be insured: If a prosperous society cannot help the sick among us, then what good is the prosperity?

There's that "must" again, sweetened by an appeal to a guilty conscience. "Shame on you for being successful," that sentence says. "How dare you put your own selfish interests before that of the common good". A citizen should have the choice of being insured or not. What good is health insurance to a billionaire? Health insurance costs more than it's worth. Most people never need catastrophic health care. It's there for the case when you will need it, and it's a lovely way to have peace of mind. But in your 20s, you do not need it. A cheap insurance plan with a massive deductible is the most cost-effective way to insure yourself against catastrophic illness or accidents.

Apparently, only the healthy are prosperous in our society. At least that's what I read from this horribly worded argument.

Insurance remains private: Who should run insurance? Government or industry. I say industry. The last thing we need is another inefficient and irksome government bureacracy. We need competition. We need choice.

This sounds fishy to me. First we need to remove people's choice as to whether they'd rather spend their money on cable TV or health insurance. Then suddenly we need choice? I thought we were giving up choice in order to not have to feel bad about boneheads who'd rather have 15 versions of HBO than a sound dental plan?

But who should pay? Think about it: By what logic should should employers have to be the ones who pay for health insurance? What started as a benefit of employment has become an entitlement for many, but then the rest are left out in the cold. Offering health insurance via work makes no sense.

Employers do not have to pay for health insurance. They've historically done it in order to get better employees. The are two main reasons so many companies offer health insurance as a benefit: 1) Due to workplace competition, and 2) Union pressures. Offering health insurance via work makes perfect sense if that will get you better employees. At any rate, an organization or corporation should have the choice of offering health insurance as a benefit.

Who should pay for R&D?: It is similarly illogical that through high drug costs, the sick underwrite R&D for new drugs to cure other diseases they don't have. I don't know how this system works today but it seems logical that government should help underwrite some cost of development -- and then get the benefit for all of us of lower prices for the drugs that result.

Never mind the fact that our current system allows the United States to provide the lion's share of medical breakthroughs. Let's fuck with it.

The paperwork torture must end: Insurance companies are managing costs via harassment, in paperwork and in "managed care." As I understand it, one great thing Canada did was standardize paperwork and bureacracy. With the Internet, it is now possible to standardize and modernize this entire system, from doctor to hospital to pharmacy to insurance company. It reduces the costs considerably for doctors and hospitals (and that should stop some of their complaining) and it reduces the hassle for us, the sick.

Sigh. Yes, let's get the government involved in order to reduce paperwork. Anybody who has never lived under socialized health care will never understand what torture it is to not only arrange your health care, but to be able to prove to the IRS (or equivalent organization) that you are, indeed, paying your fair share of it. Expect an audit everytime you're in the hospital. An accountant becomes an expensive necessity, because nobody understands the tax code over here.

Malpractice should be limited: But the threat of malpractice must remain over the heads of incompetent practitioners. We are still consumers of health care. We reserve the right to go after bad doctors -- protecting fellow consumers from them -- the way we can after bad contractors. And, yes, lawyers must stop being the primary beneficiary of the malpractice system.

We agree here. I'm not exactly sure how this fits into his plan of turning America's health care system into Cuba's, though.

We must grapple with extreme care: I don't want anyone unplugging me and letting me starve or choke to death. No thanks. And I hate seeing old people treated like the leftovers at garage sales. But I also recognize that some care is extreme and costs everyone a great deal of money for buying little hope. Who should set and enforce the standards of what is covered and is not?

UPDATE: TB in the comments raises a good point: People who don't take care of themselves cost the system and us. So how about higher rates for people who not only smoke but, what else?, get fat, don't exercise, don't get preventive tests on a set schedule....

I propose higher rates for: Smokers, drug abusers, homosexuals, people under 30, people over 30, sky divers, bungee jumpers, and alpha types. Of course, in order to assess those at risk, the government will need a big huge database of exactly who the smokers, sky divers, and homosexuals are.

Invest in manufacturers of little pink triangles, for they have a bright future. Why anyone would want to put John Ashcroft in charge of health care, I'll never understand.

Arrrrrrrrrrr.

Notice the title of the page.

"To be accused of being a whore is one thing, but to be accused of being a weblogger is actionable."

For Linux gearheads, the SCO vs. IBM/Hewlett Packard/Torvalds+dog saga is like Ra^thgate, only it's been going on for what seems like years.

A pretty damning appraisal of SCO's claims scrolled by on Slashdot today. Good fun. Hopefully, Slashdot won't get a Bitchdotting, owing to the current traffic of frothing-mad Spaniards flooding my site.

I just found this entry in my travelling journal from 1999.

March 8th, 1999 Brisbane, Australia Our flight from Auckland with Garuda Indonesia was bumpy at the best of times, but I was able to remain calm until the landing; which proved that the Duke Boys in the cockpit were all roaring drunk, which I had suspected all along

Today, I can't imagine how cheap a flight would have to be before I signed on with an Indonesian airline.

Twice in my life have I had the kind of airplane landings that shook the luggage compartments open. Once with Air Garuda, as above. The other time, the airplane actually had to abort the landing and come around for a second try, seeing as the previous plane had failed to leave the runway. Or, so I hear. I was mercifully oblivious to the entire flight, lost in a Percocet/Alcohol wonderland.

Oh, guys, you had me at pidé Pardon.

Some of us have to get some work done here. I can't wait for this thing to be over, one way or ahem the other.

I live in Augsburg, a small city with about 300,000 people in it. According to this article in the local rag (Google Translation), there was some sort of kerfuffle last night between the neo-Nazis (which the Germans call pretty much any Nationalists) and...someone: A bar which is frequented by hard-right political activists got a bit of a Kristallnacht treatment.

Perhaps unrelated, the group believed to be targeted by the firebombing was responsible for stonewalling the building of an Islamic community center in Augsburg in February. The group in question, "National Opposition Alliance", bolstered their credibility recently by naming their Internet site Neu-Schwabenland, and associating themselves with UFOs:

So, if fighting breaks out between Nazis and Islamists, where do the Jews fit into all this?

Via augsburg.blog-city.com

Our friends the spanish...

click for fullsize

For Allah, who unfortunately was quicker than I.

Nous sômmes seulement les americains

Update For Spanish reactions to the El Pais ad, check out these links:

delavegaBlog granermano Escolar.net

Google Translate is your friend.

If anybody ever tells you that the world hates Americans because of Bush or 9/11, just nod knowingly. And spit in their face.

The people who hate Americans now, have always hated Americans; and they likely always will. In fact, they hate everyone. It makes them feel better about their position, and distracts them from the obvious deficiencies they suffer themselves.

I've had, thankfully, just a few run-ins with anti-Americanism over the years since I left the States. The one incident I think of the most, when the subject comes up, was an encounter with someone I refer to as "The Friendly Tourist". Here are my journal entries, starting in Koh Samui, Thailand, in July of 1999.

July 2, 1999 Koh Samui, Thailand

This morning, we were again awoken by the same knuckleheads who had kept us up all night. I drag-assed out of bed like a man who hadn't had a good night's sleep for a week, and took a shower. We went into town and grabbed breakfast at the usual place, then rented a motorbike for the day.

[later that night...]

Afterward, I went to bed, too. The Danish Girls nextdoor were in full voice, and were totally out of hand. They kept falling onto our porch, shaking the whole hut and keeping us awake. I went outside once, to let them know that there was someone in the bungalow. When I'd gone back inside, they started jumping on the porch again, so I opend the door and asked them nicely to stop it. They did, but they still sat outside our bungalow yelling, singging, running the engines on their bikes. Why are Europeans so obnoxious?

July 3, 1999 Koh Samui, Thailand

Well, today got off to a great start. I got to sleep about 3:00 am last night, in spite of the noisy roommates. Then, about 7:30, they started trying to crank a motorbike right outside of our window. I guess they'd never heard of a manual choke before, because tehy'd crank it, rev it up to about 8,000 RPMs, and then it would die. And they'd do it again. This went on and on, and finally, I just got out of bed.

By the time I'd gotten dressed and had gone out onto the porch for a cigarette, they were all gone. They had apparently never gone to bed, and had taken up all the showers, so I sat on the porch brushing my teeth. Then, Mr. Motorbike came back. He pulled up and stopped his bike of front of one of the girls' bungalows, almost killing himself in the process. He had a bamboo water-pipe in his front basket, which he grabbed and took inside the Hut. He came back out and had a puzzled look on his face.

All this time, I was sitting there on the porch of our bungalow, staring at this burn-out and thinking he, and he alone, was to blame for my being out of bed. He saw me and said, Hey, can I have some water?. I was surprised that he was English, and not Danish like the rest of them. I looked at my water-bottle next to me, which had less than an inch of water left in it.

What, you're serious? I asked him.

Did this loser actually think that, after keeping me up all night, and forcing me out of bed at 7:30 in the morning, I was going to give him the last of my water for his bong?

He really went nuts when I told him no. He jumped on his bike, cranked it up, and tried to gun it straight at me. He made it about a yard before it almost dumped, since he'd left the kickstand down. He pointed at the Australian flag-patch on my pants, and slurred, "Is tha' where you come from?"

When I said I was from the U.S., he got right into my face and started yelling that same old shit.

"American? You want to know why everybody hates Americans? It's because you're all a bunch of fookin' pricks, tha's why!"

He walked his scooter closer to me, almost falling over twice, all the while babbling away.

"Everybody fookin' hates Americans, because they're not fookin' friendly!", he continued. "That's why everybody loves the English, because we knows how to be friendly, see?"

He had reached my porch by this time, and he leaned to within about an inch of my face. "That's what I am: I'm a friendly tourist! I'm gonna fookin' rip ya!" he screamed at me. The irony was apparently lost on him.

I just looked at him. It was no use talking. He was so drunk and stoned he wouldn't have listened, and if he'd taken a swing, he probalby would've just falled over or punched himself.

I made a motion to stand up.

"Where you think you're going?", he asked.

"I'm going to put my boots on. Then I'm going to stomp your guts out," I replied.

He defused, or rather postponed, the situation by saying that, since he'd been drinking all night, he was going away, but he'd be back tomorrow 'cause he knows where I live and all that. Then he drove away, almost killing himself by forgetting about the kickstand again. He really wasn't much of a scooter driver.

I was glad when he left. I grabbed my stuff and went to take a shower. Afterward, D_ and I went to the cantina for breakfast, but I wasn't very hungry, then checked out.

On the way out, I saw the Friendly Tourist was back, driving his scooter awkwardly around and being a general nuisance. I went back to the front desk and told them what was going on. Well, actually I told them he was driving around asking for hookers and selling drugs, which, ironically, is frowned upon in rural Thailand. The lady there went out and found the guy and told him to beat feet, with a couple of scary-looking Thai guys not too far away. The Friendly Tourist looked like he was going to argue, but as I walked by I heard that he was almost crying, yeelling about how nobody understood him. Typical drunk-shit.

We quickly grabbed our packs and walked right past the guy, b ut he didn't say a word, just stood there tying not to get bum-rushed. We walked up the sandy main street, until we got to the north end, where all the taxis to Na-Thong were. We brabbed on for 30 baht each, and we were away.

It's photo-ops like this one that reaffirm my belief that, come November, John Kerry is going to be savaged like a hymen on prom night.

Danielle is having a bandwidth drive.

Click here to help her out.

(Note: if you're using Mozilla/Firefox, you'll need to turn off popup-blocking, or temporarily switch to IE for a second, click the link, then wash your hands, gargle with listerine, scrub your skin with a toilet brush, and then repeatedly siphon the filth from your soul with a plunger, à la Ace Ventura, then switch back to Firefox, telling yourself all the while it was for a good cause, and plus, hey, they told you it was art! It'll be our little secret.)

Heh.

For the record I blog exclusively in my pajamas. The baggy red ones with the footies, and the little flap in the back in case you have to go #2. Some of your snootier Internet Cafés don't really like it, but you know...

Here's a little javascript-button I wrote for your toolbar that will popup the BugMeNot Password for the page you're currently viewing.

BugMeNot

In Mozilla/Firefox, just drag it to your Favorites/Bookmarks toolbar. If you reach a registered-only news page, just click the button. In Internet Explorer (which you shouldn't use anyway), right-click the link and choose "Add to Favorites". Popup-blockers like Google Toolbar will interefere with its operation, unfortunately.

Right now, it pops up below the current browser window. Anybody know how to get around that?

Ever since I was a little kid, I've seen swimmies. Those are the little things that swim around in your vision when you look at uniform surface, like a wall or the sky. They look exactly like the little bubbles you see when you look at something under a microscope. Does everybody see those, or is it just me?

It's gotten pretty bad lately; not only are the little amoebae running around, but there's little sparks that show up and go around in circles. Maybe it's because I used to sit around in the dark and poke my eyelids so I could see the pretty lights. We were too poor for real firecrackers, I guess.

The lights you see when you push your eyeballs are called phosphenes, by the way. I'm not sure why I know that.